Author Topic: Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller  (Read 1145 times)

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Offline AndyLin

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« on: January 09, 2010, 11:12:38 AM »

DECEMBER 8th
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So Romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
DECEMBER 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
DECEMBER 12th
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.
DECEMBER 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
DECEMBER 15th
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
DECEMBER 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
DECEMBER 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
DECEMBER 20th
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing . I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
DECEMBER 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white s**t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
DECEMBER 23rd
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
DECEMBER 24th
6 inches - snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel..
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his b**ls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
DECEMBER 25th
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop last night -
snowed in, the idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
DECEMBER 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
DECEMBER 27th
 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me £1,400 to replace all my pipes.
DECEMBER 28th
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
DECEMBER 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
DECEMBER 30th
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million pounds, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**e. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
DECEMBER 31st
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
JANUARY 8th
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?





Offline nichola

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2010, 11:50:47 AM »
Thank you so much that was brilliant!

Offline Anne

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2010, 16:05:57 PM »
nice one:D

Offline Cavfan

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2010, 02:28:19 AM »
Love it!

Offline badger

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2010, 09:30:59 AM »

 Excellent Lin,so funny especially from Boxing day :D

 I cleared the front of our house yesterday morning stopping for the odd chat with some neighbours (a rare sight, why do people hibernate at the first sign of snow ?  :))and undeterred by one guy with a newspaper under his arm who said "I would't bother Geoff you can be sued if someone slips and injures themselves on your property "As the only visitor was the post lady who appeared looking like she just flew in from Alaska I pushed on and thought as I leaned on my shovel that was a job well done,even if I didn't feel like a boy again  :)
  All that only for it to  SNOW AGAIN in the afternoon  [:(!]

  I know it is rare for this much snow down south but Wev'e had enough :( :(

  Time to get the Calis pics out again   8)
               
                      The Badgers  
           
 P S  Before H or Scunner reminds us that they have got 12 inches I know it's a lot worse in Jockland  :D        
                 


Offline Highlander

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2010, 10:10:23 AM »
quote:
Originally posted by badger


           
P S  Before H or Scunner reminds us that they have got 12 inches I know it's a lot worse in Jockland  :D        
     





Would have to be a combined effort I suspect Badger with Scunner contributing the most ;)
« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 10:13:18 AM by Highlander »

Offline Elsa Padfield

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2010, 21:30:06 PM »
I don't think I've laughed so much for ages!




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