Call centres

[Highlander]

What kind of places must they be - modern day sweat shops - populated by morons in some back water in India - morons who can barely speak English and worse yet don't understand Dingwallean

There you are - you've dialled - there's a definite connection tone - and you're just about to speak when you hear the dread words - " thank you for calling the complete-waste-of time-centre - you're call may be recorded for training and monitoring"

Please select one of the following - press one for sales - press two for parts - press three for extended warranties - press four for after-sales services - press five for faults press six to hear these options again - hear them again - you're not serious.

Press seven if you're losing the will to live and are suicidal - your call will be redirected automatically to the samaritans -- or hold for one of our operators - then they have the temerity to subject you to two or three minutes of Greensleeves or worse Daniel bloody O'Donnell - if I want to listen to him I'll buy one of his CD's - then  they announce - with more than a hint of arrogance I've often thought - we are experiencing a large volume of calls at the moment - and all of our operators are busy - what both of them - employ enough people to answer the number of calls - why don't you - and by the way  if I want to choose from a menu I'll go to my favourite restaurant - thanks very much.

Incidently - I pressed option seven once - the one that redirects you automatically to the Samaritans - and it works - honestly - a sympathetic voice answered - "thank you for calling the Samaritans - press one for slashing wrists - press two for bridge jumping :::.. aghhhh

[Jenny1]

Ha H, you're right, but we are in Bury!! Lol
Waiting for numpty customers to call in who can't answer your questions without long boring drawn out tales:
Me-Can I take your mobile number please?
Cust-I knew you would ask me that? How do you expect me to know my mobile number? Nobody knows their mobile number!!
Me-Can you tell me the amount and method of your last top up?
Cust-Oooh, Let me think, now I think it was when I went to our Bettys last year, no it wasn't, I remember now, it was when my husbands mother died, the day before the funeral, we went to Porkies butchers, they do lovely herby sausages there, terrible funeral, blah di blah di blah, and so it goes on. And all the time we are monitored on our call handling time etc!
Going now as I'm depressing myself, I have been off for 3 weeks and have to go back tomorrow! Yuk!!

[heather07]

When you want to complain- press new sales. I bet they would answer quicker than complaints.:

[maximumtom]

 This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
 
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
 
Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
 
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
 
Operator:        'What sort of trouble??'
 
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
 
Operator:         'Went away?'

Caller:              'They disappeared.'
 
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
 
Caller:              'Nothing.'
 
Operator:         'Nothing??'
 
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
 
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
 
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
 
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
 
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
 
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
 
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
 
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
 
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
 
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
 
Caller:               'I don't know.'
 
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.. Can you see that??'
 
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
 
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
 
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
 
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
 
Caller:               'No.'
 
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
 
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
 
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
 
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
 
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
 
Caller:               'No.'
 
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your kn ee on something and lean way over??'
 
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
 
Operator:          'Dark??'
 
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
 
Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'
 
Caller:               'I can't.'
 
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
 
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
 
Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
                         Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
 
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
 
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
 
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
 
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
 
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
 
Operator:            'Tell them you're too BLOODY stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[KKOB]

Amusing but well over 10 years old and false......

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

[Highlander]

"...Operator: Tell them you're too BLOODY stupid to own a computer...."



KKOB - I fondly remember this thread . Can it really be from 3 years ago:(



{A Link to an old CBF topic was here - no longer available}15894&SearchTerms=camera

[kayakebab]

Anyone easily offended look away. I work in this sort of field and trust me both clients and professionals can see the funny side. No offence meant to be acaused to anyone......



"Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline.

"If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

"If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

"If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

"If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

"If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

"If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

"If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

"If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, NI number, your mother's maiden name, where you were this time last week, and the week before, the last five US Presidents and the capital of every former British Colony.

"If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

"If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

"If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

"If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

-If you have seen this joke before, press the back button.

[maximumtom]

quote:Originally posted by KKOB

Amusing but well over 10 years old and false......

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperfect.asp

The thing about old jokes is that the youngsters haven't heard them and it has its origin in truth with a certain amount of embellishment to add spice.