Where to begin, that's the problem.
First lets look at what Grievance actually is.
In my opinion, Grievance is Self Pity.
The person’s I am grieving for are not looking down on me because they are dead, lets not gloss over the word.
They are like a switched off TV. The power has been cut off and there is nothing there except in my memory
They are the past, not the present nor the future, just a strong memory in someones mind.
We do not grieve for the person who has left us, we feel sorry for ourselves because we are going to miss them, not them miss us.
Accepting the Loss of someone.
This I think is the hardest part of all.
Every individual has their own way of dealing with it and no way is the right or wrong way.
I was in the pool yesterday and wanted a coffee, I thought to myself ‘’No Alan she isn’t here, buck up, deal with it and get out and get your own coffee).
A common thought is, ‘I wish’ ‘I wish I had taken her to (somewhere)’ or ‘I wish we had done (something)’ or ‘I wish I had bought her (something)’ or ‘I wish we hadn’t argued’ the list could go on.
The point I am trying to make is, all the things that upset us begins with either, me - I - we - us. This is Self Pity in my mind, don’t get me wrong, it is natural and expected, but how you deal with it is the important thing
Dealing with it.
I cannot tell you how to deal with it all. Everybody has to find their own way of coping with the situation.
All I can do is relay to you my thoughts and way that I deal with it. It may seem callous to you but at times it’s a case of, if I don’t get a grip of myself, I will get into depression or turn to booze or spending the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself and ending up a very lonely old man and that is not going to happen!.
Your friends will only put up with your sulking or harping on about how you are missing your lost one for a short period of time then they will drift away which is quite understandable.
Another thing is, if you are continually in the Self Sympathy mode, you end up at home all alone which will make you more depressed than you already are.
You have to try and think logical thoughts about the situation you are in and how best to deal with it.
My way is, as soon as I get that tug of the heart feeling which happens every day, I take a deep breath and say ‘Self pity again Alan? Get a grip of yourself boy’
Would Pete or Ann want to see me like this? feeling so sad for myself?. Would they be happy at seeing me in this miserable state because of their deaths?’ The answer to that is a definite NO!!
Would they prefer to see me as happy as is possible and enjoying life, the answer would be YES!!!
Some people never get over the loss and it can seriously affect a persons marriage, their own personality or future in a big way.
Stop saying to yourself, ‘He or she was my best pal’ You already know that so why keep torturing yourself by keep saying it and ending up being miserable again. There is someone close to me who is not dealing with the situation very well, hopefully I can help a little by writing this not so cheerful letter.
Some people, because of their beliefs are convinced that their beloved departed are watching over them. If that gives them comfort, excellent.
I am not in that category, that is why I say that this is my own way of dealing with a horrible situation.
If I can help just one person to cope with their loss with this letter I will be very happy.
For those of you in my situation, remember, all is not lost and the world and your life carries on so try and grit the teeth and deal with it as best as you can.
