"Stephanisms"

[Highlander]

Those of you who know the wonderful Steph (Mrs Scunner) will know her talent for innocently making normal statements sound so humorous. I've christened these "stephanisms"

(Hopefully scunner will give you and example).

The present Mrs H came out with one last night.

Me to Mrs H: I haven't had pea pods for ages. Are they seasonal ?

Mrs H to Me: Not at the moment

[GordonA]

Along the same lines 'H' , when I was employed by the National Coal Board (surveyor), many moons ago, one of my father's mining buddies was very often guilty of his own versions of this. He was ready to call the Bingo numbers in our Miners welfare Club one Friday night, and said, over the mike; 'Before we start the bingo tonight, I would like to say that there have been certain allegations made in this club, regarding me and a young woman, if I find out who these alligators are, legal steps will be taken' !!  Probably the funniest thing I have ever heard in my years with that employer !!

[Menthol]

Sat in a restaurant with my Mum this week and someone started coughing at the next table.

My Mum, a First Aider from years ago, said, '"Phew! Glad they are okay, I thought I might have to give them the Hellman's Lift then'.

Of course, she meant the Heimlich Manoeuvre .....

[GordonA]

Keen as mustard, your Mum !!   

[BernieTeyze]

Me: I,m going to see a play at the theatre
Sister:ooh you are going to be a thespian
89 year old mother: ooh your not being one of them are you,I thought you and Martyn were alright together.

Needless to say me n the sister where holding on to each other crying laughing..while the Mammy looked on bewildered. Eeeh I miss her so much.

[Menthol]

Good one, Gordon 

Bernie - awesome 

[Scunner]

A forum named after the good lady herself  

But she is only second place to her own friend, another dizzy Belfast type. It is fair to say that with her flowing blonde locks and "ample chest", this friend attracts plenty of male attention.

On holiday in the Canary Islands I noted her and Steph receiving rather a lot of continental attention from a group of German guys. They were chatting them up, the cheeky krauts. We were leaving so no need to get worked up about it. But the next evening, who turns up but the same lads, second night, same thing.

I went and sat with Steph's friend - she seemed a bit overwhelmed by it all. "Are you ok?" I asked. "Not really, I don't understand what they are saying", she told me. I told her maybe the fact they were German may be behind that. She was absolutely shocked. "Germans? No way! Are they?". "Yes, they are". "My God, I hate germans!".

So she turns to the group of lads. "Hey! Where are you lot from?". One turned round, very staunch and proud..."Ve are Deutsch!"

"Oh Steph, they're Dutch...we thought you were f***ing Germans".

[Piscoe]

I worked for the Volvo Group for many years and my Mother In Law (god rest her soul) loved to tell everyone she met how proud she was.

One day I took her to our local pub where a lot of my friends made a fuss of her. Then all of a sudden, to a chap she had been speaking to, asked "Have you met my son in law? He works for Vulva". It took around half hour before everyone could stop laughing.

[Cavfan]

my paternal grandmother fond of flowers, peonies in particular, was describing her sons( my late dad) beautiful big red pe*is-es. we now cant visit a garden centre without much hilarity !

[Scunner]

My gran was no better - God help you if you brought her a non-dairy cake. She couldn't stand that sympathetic cream.

She also didn't trust hospitals, doctors and the like. She had to go in for quite a large operation and told them she wouldn't need an anaesthetic.  Sadly at her age there was no option to decline, she had to have it. The next day the guy who administered it came to see her and she was not pleased to see him.

"You stay away from me, I know who you are. You're the athiest".