A Message from the Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dear people of the United Kingdom
Due to the current financial situation caused by the
slowdown of the economy,
your Government has decided to
implement a scheme to put workers 50 years
of age and older on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government
to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed
under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by the government.
Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will
receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training)
as possible.
The government has always prided itself in the
amount of **** it gives out. Should you feel that you do not
receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of
your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
**** you can handle.
