(And to the end of this post)
It's much the same every year, shortly after entering the airport, Brenda sets off to buy things she doesn't need, and I embark on my favourite past-time to while away the hours until take off - benefit family spotting.
You must have seen them, whole families on the brew setting off for their fortnight of full English breakfasts, bingo, karaoke and all-night binges, consuming copious amounts of cheap vodka in one of the more exotic resorts in Spain - all inclusive of course.
There's the father, as small withered guy - old way beyond his 45 years, bedecked in a green and white shell suit with the logo European Champions 1967 YA BASS.
He positively drips gold - chains, bracelets, rings on every finger - all purchased in the latest Argos sale. He is of course ladened to overflowing with four of the largest duty-free bottles of vodka you have ever seen.
Then there's the wife - a fine looking woman - well maybe once - but the years have not been kind to her.
Her role model is now Venessa Phellps.
A fine choice had she not been two sizes bigger than the tv celeb. Unfortunately, what with hubby being on the brew for the last twenty years, her funds do not run to Miss Phellps designer gear which hides a multitude of ills.
Her 2008 wardrobe, a mixture of QVC, Primark and New Look - doesn't quite have the same effect however.
New Look was suggested by her 15 year old daughter, who thought it would be a good idea to bring her maw up-to-date.
Quite why she thought the white flared mini skirt was a good look for her 16 stone mother is somewhat of a mystery.
But not to worry - she's knows that maw is happy and thinks she looks the berries, by the way.
Close by is the youngest of the brood - 5 year old Danny, named after the legendary Celtic right back or was it left -I forget.
Danny had joined the welfare estate some 9 months after a particularly emphatic Celtic win over "the old enemy."
The little brat, appropriately dressed as he is in combat t-shirt and trousers, seems intent on causing more damage to the airport than any Alkedia diehard.
But of course he goes unchecked by mother or father, both of whom have disappeared outside for their fifty woodbine of the day.
Next up, the teenage son - Darren. a spotted youth sporting a variety of tattoos most of which have a reference to "the glorious Celtic" or "Emma" his first love with whom of ci=ourse he fathered a welfare state child.
He has of course no idea where Emma or the child are today.
As if physically attached to his "injection potted arm", he is carrying the biggest ghetto blaster ever invented with which he is going to terrorise the whole 2 star resort by blasting out "every sectarian song ever written" for a fortnight.
He is of course a good boy who has just got "in" with the wrong crowd. aye right
Then there's his 15 year old sister. - Charlene
A stunning looking girl with blond hair complete with fluorescent purple streaks which only partially covers her natural dark roots.
Her hair goes all the way down her back - unfortunately not much of it starts on her head.
She cuts a fine dash, turning every male head in the place --- unfortunately for her in the totally opposite direction to which she is travelling.
She is immaculately dressed in shimmering white.
A Primark velour zipped top which exposes a tantalising glimpse 7 " of flabby midriff, teamed up with a snazzy pair of white velour hipsters resting somewhere south of her 40"hips and with "bench" emblazoned across the seat.
At least i think it said "bench" - it was difficult to tell as the letters were stretched over such a wide area.
Unfortunately, these hipsters afford fellow travellers with far too much of a view of a thin strip of fluorescent purple material, stretched, as it is, to the absolute maximum of its design.
I had assume this to be some type of catapult with which to ward off unsolicited suitors -- but Brenda assures me that was in fact a thong, whatever that is
Charlene is of course hopeful of finding true love with a Spanish waiter. Sadly, i fear that the only Spanish waiter she will snare is one hailing from Barcelona, who knows nothing, and answers to the name of Manuel.
She is of course pushing the latest high-tech push chair, which you and i paid for, and in which reclines the latest money-spinning addition to the family - little kylie - father unknown but believed to be a choice of 5 - all ardent Celtic supporters of course and sporting an impressive 14 asbos between them
Unsurprisingly perhaps, Kylie is dressed exactly like her mother save for the fact that her top has "I'm a little dancer by the way" in red sequins splashed across the front.
And of course you just know that kylie is going to howl, unchecked, from the time the family board the aircraft, mum, dad and underage Darren smashed out of their skulls, until the time they disembark, having consumed even more alcohol on the flight.
All of the family are of course wearing gleaming white trainers, purchased the previous week from the barras especially for the holidays
I allowed myself a few minutes contemplation as to exactly how they are going to get the four pieces of hand luggage (each of which are larger than any of Brenda's three suitcases) and the buggy, into the overhead lockers before setting of to find Emelda Marcos.
Eventually Brenda re-appears, and I am pleasantly surprised that she is carrying only six designer bags, none of which is from La Senza as I had requested.
I'm assuming that all of the ladies on the Forum are familiar with La Senza.
For any male members who are not La Senza is a fine womans' dress shop which occasionally carries some nice underwear ranges.
Well to tell the truth they only sells underwear - the skimpy sexy kind.
The present Mrs Stephen however had obviously decided to stick with her fine and varied selection of Bridget Jones pants for the holidays again !!!!!
Ah well, there's always next year.
