Quick Quips

[Colwyn]

In my local last week one one regular - a rather well-spoken, polite and precise gentleman - had obviously been enjoying the hospitality all afternoon. He had trouble putting on his coat. You know the situation; you've got one arm in the sleeve and are then waving your second arm around vainly looking for the other slleve. One of the curmudgeons at the bar went over to help him. Finally he was properly coated. As he left one chap said how nice it was to see people each other out. In chipped a dry voice from the far end of the bar: "Pity it was the wrong coat".

[SteveJ]

Visiting someone in hospital a few years ago and trying not to listen to the conversation at the next bed (but failing miserably) the visitor asked if the patient was feeling any better. "I'm much better than I was because the doctor came round this morning". "Oh that is good news" the visitor replied "had he been unconscious for long?"

[simpsons]

The wife and daughter were walking down into Hisaronu last August when they saw 2 camels in the market place waiting to give rides. "Oh look at those poor camels, I bet they are are hot" said the wife. My daughter replied "Mother, they are camels and live in the desert". The wife needs to get out more!

[littlereddevil]

I remember years ago my brother got on the bus. He paid his fare and sat down.
A few stops later an inspector came on. Checking the tickets, he asked my bro "how did you get on this bus?"
"In the door there, same as everybody else" was his reply

[bewva]

I once asked a work colleague who was getting married the next day if he was nervous, he replied that he was. I asked was it his first time? (meaning getting married). He said "No I have been nervous before"

[mike A]

A man in my local was sitting on the end of a bench in the garden just raising his arm to sup a pint when everyone else stood up, he fell to the floor in exactly the same position he was sitting in and as the beer spilled over his face he said "gravity's a bugger you know"

[Piscoe]

The one that I can always remember was my brothers. He manages a tyre fitting depot in Northampton and one day a rather unfortunate young lady turned up with a flat tyre. My brother valiantly strode over and asked her how he might help. She said she would be happy with just the spare being put on until she could show her father the damaged tyre.

Brother quickly obliged and opened the boot in search of the spare. Of course the boot was full of the young lady's shopping. She innocently said "oh, shall I get my bits out?" to which my brother replied "no love cash will be fine!"

[simpsons]

Heres another one from my Little Black Book; Years ago when I was a humble policeman, I was sitting in a police van on Epsom Downs with 10 other cops. This was just after Derby Day, so the place was still packed out with gipsys. We were watching out of the back window at 2 gipsy boys aged about 4 or 5. One was laying on the ground, whilst the other one was kicking him. After about 2 minutes, the one laying on the ground stood up and started speaking to the other lad. I said to the other cops "I bet hes saying, "Now its my turn to be the policeman"".