Bad news folks, I've found it. Here is part one of what may turn out to be nineteen....
SPORT:
Things that annoy me in the world of sport:.
FIFA:
I will never understand why FIFA have decreed that some 35 other teams have to compete in Preliminary Rounds of the World Cup Finals for the privilege of playing England in the Final
It's a scandal - I think that the government should address the problem immediately - by all means necessary - and if that means invading FIFA headquarters - then so be it.
SCOTS PUNDITS:
People like Alan Hansen or indeed Nicky Campbell who start sentences with the royal "we" when referring to the England team - I'm asking for a refund on my licence
FORMULA ONE:
The most watched sport in the world - why ?
Whoever is leading at the first corner wins - given that he doesn't trash his car anywhere between that corner and the chequered flag of course - mind you - some of the sights in and around the pit lane offer some compensation
PAULA RADCLIFF:
She's too thin - she's got a stupid grin - and an even more stupid voice - and she gets off with doing things in public that I would be rightly arrested for.
OTHERS:
Anybody who insists that any of my 6ft putts are not gimmes:..
The Great Britain athletics squad - over hyped, overpaid nobodies - who get lots of my lottery money - to train in exotic, sunny climates - and who win sweet fa at any event
They wouldn't win anything at a Highland Gathering next summer - whatever happened to people like Daley Thompson - Seb Coe - Steve Cram
PLACES:
Places that annoy me
POST CODE EH99 1SP:
Now there's a place that really upsets me.
The site of one of the most hideous crimes in Scotland's long and proud history. An address that will surely go down in history and will induce such feelings of horror and revulsion as such places as - Glen Coe and 10 Rimmington Place. A beautiful corner of our fair land, raped by the manic delusions of a bearded heathen from foreign parts
And where is this I hear you ask - well EH99 1SP is the post code of our wonderful Scottish parliament - will someone please explain to me just how on earth that monstrosity won an architectural award - far less several - it's unbelievable
CALL CENTRES:
What kind of places must they be - modern day sweat shops - populated by morons in some back water in India - morons who can barely speak English and worse yet don't understand Dingwallean
There you are - you've dialled - there's a definite connection tone - and you're just about to speak when you hear the dread words - " thank you for calling the complete-waste-of time-centre - you're call may be recorded for training and monitoring"
Please select one of the following - press one for sales - press two for parts - press three for extended warranties - press four for after-sales services - press five for faults press six to hear these options again - hear them again - you're not serious.
Press seven if you're losing the will to live and are suicidal - your call will be redirected automatically to the samaritans -- or hold for one of our operators - then they have the temerity to subject you to two or three minutes of Greensleeves or worse Daniel bloody O'Donnell - if I want to listen to him I'll buy one of his CD's - then they announce - with more than a hint of arrogance I've often thought - we are experiencing a large volume of calls at the moment - and all of our operators are busy - what both of them - employ enough people to answer the number of calls - why don't you - and by the way if I want to choose from a menu I'll go to my favourite restaurant - thanks very much.
Incidently - I pressed option seven once - the one that redirects you automatically to the Samaritans - and it works - honestly - a sympathetic voice answered - "thank you for calling the Samaritans - press one for slashing wrists - press two for bridge jumping :::.. aghhhh
LANGUAGE:
Things that annoy me in language
WORDS:
Meta-bloody-tarsel - good grief if I hear that one word one or time I'll scream
MODERN BUSINESS SPEAK:
An easy target - phrases like "going forward" - "24/7" - "thinking out of the box" and "expanding the envelope"
Now this is a true story - I once went to a meeting where an Architect concluded proceedings with the immortal phrase "Gentlemen -I've shot the arrow - now I want you paint the target around it" - I swear to God that's what he said
The stunned highland members of the design team - seemed collectively to fail to grasp the deep significance of their esteemed colleague's intended meaning - greeting his pronouncement as they did - with a chorus of the equally profound and abstract "Aye - right enough son" - wonderful stuff !!
TV PRESENTERS:
Talk-show hosts who are for ever saying things like "come on - give it up for such-and-such a celebrity".
Give what up - smoking
- sex for lent
? - what !!!
THE GAELIC LANGUAGE:
That annoys me - I know that's not politically correct - but dear me - do you know how many Gaelic speakers there were in Scotland at the 2001 census - 58,650. That's less than the number of people who go to Celtic Park every fortnight !.
And yet look at the money that's thrown at Gaelic speakers - just how much money was totally wasted on Gaelic road signs in the Highlands- if only 60 odd thousand people can read the blessed things
OTHERS:
People who repeat the same phrase in each and every sentence they utter - phrases like "know what I mean" .
Example: "I'm out of work - I can't afford expensive holidays know what I mean" OR "I was outside in the rain the other day and I got soaked - know what I mean"
No I don't know what you mean - I'm thick - the abstract idea of someone who isn't earning a wage being able to go on expensive foreign holidays is alien to me - and I just cannot grasp the concept of someone being out in the rain and getting wet - both are totally beyond me.
Definitely:
Then there's Glasgow people who say definitely all the bloody time - that really gets up my beak - Barry Ferguson ex of Rangers FC is perhaps the most famous exponent of this obscenity - by the way.
Nouns as verbs:
The increasing tendency nowadays for people to use nouns as verbs - that's another one - sports presenters are particularly guilty of this.
How often these days - at major athletic meetings do you hear some twerp saying "oh I do hope so-and-so "medals" in this event - excuse me - the word "medals" is the plural of the noun medal - it is not a verb - so don't use it as one - especially as you work for the British Broadcasting Corporation for goodness sake.
PS Colwyn - was it your goodself that took me to task on the last rant first time around
