Where to begin, that's the problem.

[echogirl1]

I have been widowed twice. My first husband died after having cancer for 17 years.  After many bouts of radiotherapy, chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, and a stem cell transplant, he contracted MRSA while his blood count was so low his body couldn't cope with it and it killed him. A couple of years later and I started to see through the darkness and I started going out with a mutual friend of mine and my late husband, we got married and had a wonderful 3 years together until one morning he gave a deep sight and died of a massive heart attack. To say I hit rock bottom would be an understatement.  I fell into a deep dark pit of despair and misery, and at the age of 49 I thought my life was over. Were it not for the fact that my son needed me I think I would have given up completely, but I didn't I got through it with a lot of help and some very good advice and help, not to mention the Prozac, I survived.  I feel that what I have gathered from my experience is that as a couple, always keep a part of your life for your friends and family, don't wrap yourself up completely in one person because at the end of the day we are on our own.  Someone has to go first.

[WordBird]

Snowtop, what an amazing post. Thank you.

The "I wish..." part resonated with me particularly.

I believe in embracing every opportunity and experience with Mr WB because, as I have always told him, when the time comes that just one of us is left, I want the one who remains to be saying "I'm glad we did...." and not "I wish we had....."

I wish you strength. x

[hubblebubbles]

This thread has been an amazing read and thanks to everyone for their comments. I found it helpful in lots of ways as I too recently lost my sister who was only 11 months older than me and I have been finding it very difficult to deal with in private . On the surface I am "normal" but inside there is so much sadness .We all cope in whatever way we can . Thank you Alan for sharing your thoughts .

[sadler]

Seems a lot of us are dealing with our grief in very different ways. No one can dictate how we get on with it ( nearly put "over it ) and no one can visualise how we will deal with it. Just comforting to know that when we go about our every day lives there are others feeling exactly as we do.

[sadler]

Deleated

[Highlander]

Don't know if you are aware sadler but you can "edit" your post by clicking on modify.

Apologies if you already knew that  

[kevin3]

I have handled the loss of some close ones far better than others and done some crazy things at low points

but there are no rule books or manuals to tell you how it's done, and each person and loss is different.

The fact that the subject is generally taboo doesn't help but I admire snowtop's and others posts.

A lifetimes memories with a close one cannot and will not end overnight, nor should they.

[Highlander]

Snowtop

It is of course impossible for me to find the “right” words in response to your post.

Because the loss of a loved one continues to be such an emotional part of my life, I can only put down my thoughts in “shorthand”. The tears flowing as I write won’t allow it any other way.

The sadness and emptiness is always there but I do take great comfort from

…a single thought from a very dear friend, conveyed shortly after Rachel’s death, which comes to mind every time (and there are many) when I get deeply depressed about our loss.

….family and friends, and again there are many, who loved our daughter almost as much as we did, who remember her fondly whenever we meet and who we know miss her as much as we do. I believe that to be a testament to her all too short life.

….how can I possibly feel sorry for myself when Rachel dealt with her illness with such for fortitude and grace.

….for me, so far, the phrase “time is a great healer” is a misnomer.

…..but if there is one over-riding thing that keeps me going it is the certain knowlewdge that Rachel will (and mean “will” as opposed to would) not allow me not to.

snowtop, may I offer you my very best wishes for the future.

In Rachel’s memory.

H

[Steve A]

Very nice sentiment Alan,was nice to meet you in June on the boat and Iam glad you are holiding up well.Probably see you in September

[marina]

I have been very moved by, first of all, snowtop's post and others who have posted about their personal experiences.  Agree, everyone deals with these things differently, there is no right or wrong way.

I lost my dear dad on Christmas Eve last year.  He'd been ill for most of the year and certainly hadn't been expected to live so long but wanted to prove everyone wrong!  Now, this wasn't a tragic death or a case of going young.  He was 89 and having worked hard during his working life enjoyed a long and happy retirement and for that we are eternally thankful.  However, he did leave mum who was 90 at the time and they would have been married 69 years in March this year.  This of course has left her completely lost with all their friends and a lot of their families already gone too. 

The poem I've printed below was read out at his funeral and I sometimes find a quiet few minutes to myself and read it and remember all the daft things he did to make us laugh and the many times he showed how much he cared by doing little things for us and so many other things that dads do

FEEL NO GUILT IN LAUGHTER
HE’D KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE
FEEL NO SORROW IN A SMILE
THAT HE IS NOT HERE TO SHARE.

YOU CANNOT GRIEVE FOREVER,
HE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO,
HE’D HOPE THAT YOU COULD CARRY ON
THE WAY YOU ALWAYS DO.

SO, TALK ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES
AND THE WAY YOU SHOWED YOU CARED,
THE DAYS YOU SPENT TOGETHER
ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU SHARED

LET MEMORIES SURROUND YOU,
A WORD SOMEONE MAY SAY
WILL SUDDENLY RECAPTURE
A TIME, AN HOUR, A DAY

THAT BRINGS HIM BACK AS CLEARLY
AS THOUGH HE WERE STILL HERE
AND FILLS YOU WITH THE FEELING
THAT HE IS ALWAYS NEAR.

FOR, IF YOU KEEP THOSE MOMENTS,
YOU WILL NEVER BE APART
AND HE WILL LIVE FOREVER
LOCKED SAFE WITHIN YOUR HEARTS.


Heartfelt best wishes to snowtop for starting this thread and others who are coping with their personal grief now.