PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; they are frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge knows a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
27. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
33. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
34. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
35. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
36. I try to watch what I eat and yet my eyes just aren't quick enough.
37. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
38. She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.
39. Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
40. Free and fair elections are the mainstay of modern democracy, the only downside is that after the votes are counted a politician wins.
41. Women’s rights impress me as much as their lefts.
42. A broken pencil is pointless.
43. We can repair what your husband fixed.
44. A bad banker quickly loses interest.
45. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
46. It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
47. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
48. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
49. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the train.
50. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
51. I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat.
52. I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
53. To err is human, to really mess up, though, that takes a computer.
54. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
55. I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
CHEERS!
