CLARKSON DOES A BRAND
Veteran TV comedian Jeremy Clarkson has landed the BBC in more scandal by "joking" that lorry drivers have a hard job combining driving with murdering prostitutes. Clarkson, an Ikea warehouse lookalike, made the offensive remarks on his Saturday night TV show before the 9 o'clock watershed. The BBC has received 88 complaints. That is 44 times as many as the Russell Brand show had received by the same stage. Mr Clarkson's agent claims his client is a victim of the current hysteria. The Press Officer for the Prostitutes' Collective countered by saying the agent had a very odd notion on what the word "victim" means and pointed out that the anniversary of the deaths of the murdered Ipswich prostitutes occurs shortly.
A spokesperson for the BBC said he felt that some people didn't appreciate the ground breaking, cutting-edge, humour for which Clarkson is renowned. Clarkson, who is also renowned for his campaigns against road safety, in favour of bringing back the death penalty for caravanners, and abolition of public transport was unavailable for comment. He is believed to be working on his new project to tarmac over the entire UK. A friend commented "Jeremy is a troubled person with some unresolved personal issues in his life. Personally, I don't think that he has ever forgiven his parents - or the rest of the world - for giving him such a foppish forename". Other close colleagues have suggested that this was compounded when the young Clarkson first realized his startling resemblance to Beaker from The Muppets.
A BBC spokesperson said that there was no prospect of Clarkson being sacked, but anonymous insiders have suggested there may be moves against him. Said one: "Clarkson is noted for test driving supercars. Since nobody can now afford these - except for Premiership footballers and TV presenters - many feel his entire programme is offensive in the times of credit crunch and global financial meltdown". If he is sacked licence fee payers would be saved Clarkson's extraordinary salary - estimated to be in the region of £23 trillion (plus fully comprehensive car insurance).
This report has been prepared following Daily Mail guidelines (i.e. I made it up down the pub).
