Calis Beach and Fethiye Turkey Discussion Forum
General Topics => All things that have nothing to do with Turkey => Topic started by: Highlander on August 13, 2009, 22:35:52 PM
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CoIwyn's recent reply in the "Grumpy Old Men Section" reminded me of a topic I intended to post awhile ago when I remembered Scunner's humorous post sometime ago about writing a book.
So, imagine that you have enough time on your hands and that some publisher has given you not only a £ 100,000.00 advance, but also the services of a ghost writer, if needed.
What would your book be, fiction or non-fiction, what would the subject matter be and what catchy title would you give it to attract the discerning CBF reader (assume such a person exists).
(PS Ghosts is not an acceptable answer if you use a ghost writer).
Or would you care to suggest a book which another member might like to write.
Here's one I thought might want to bury your nose in on a dark winter's night
(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q214/highlander_010/peasbook.gif)
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I would have to write a travel book but only after I had dones loads of research using the money provided. 8)
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H.Is that book a biography of Laffa's Kenny??
:)
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quote:
Originally posted by kevin3
H.Is that book a biography of Laffa's Kenny??
:)
What give you that idea Kevin ;).
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There's also a biography of you H
(http://www.royalcollection.org.uk/egallery/images/collection_large/1101076.jpg)
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My fourth book will be published in a few weeks time. It will be non-fiction (like the other three), of no interest whatsoever to CBF members discerning or otherwise (nor to the overwhelming majority of the rest of the world), will make me no momey, and prove conclusively that I cannot write a best seller.
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quote:
Originally posted by Colwyn
My fourth book will be published in a few weeks time. It will be non-fiction (like the other three), of no interest whatsoever to CBF members discerning or otherwise (nor to the overwhelming majority of the rest of the world), will make me no momey, and prove conclusively that I cannot write a best seller.
OK Colwyn, I'll be the first to ask. What's the title or am I being wound up (not for the firt or last time on here I suppose)
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I think I'll wait for the musical
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quote:
Originally posted by Scunner
I think I'll wait for the musical
I`d pay to see that, but only if it`s on at the Theatr Colwyn, Abergele Road, Colwyn Bay. :D
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)
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:D H, thats boss, well done,
by the way, i am going to write a book about Calis, and call it Topic Unlocked.:P
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Colywn has taken the time to email me re his forthcoiming publication and I now fully understand why it may not become a best-seller. :)
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quote:
Originally posted by laffa
:D H, thats boss, well done,
by the way, i am going to write a book about Calis, and call it Topic Unlocked.:P
Love the title Laffa. Can we assume that it will be more in the Jackie Collins style rather than Miles and Boon :)
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(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q214/highlander_010/topicunlocked.gif)
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Good job you are not a proof reader H. Laffa's book is going to be called:
TOPIC UNLOCKED
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Thanks Colwyn. The original did indeed say Topic Locked.
I've replaced the original, not to hide my stupidity, but for another reason which I am not going to divulge.
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Very good, H. I don't know how you do this book cover thing, but it is very impressive. Now you can go back and unlock the padlock in the picture!
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Thanks for the compliment Colwyn. Will this do :)
(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q214/highlander_010/topicunlocked2.gif)
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That's perfect. Now all that Laffa has to do is to write the book. job (nearly) done.
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The loop part of the lock would still be 90 degrees to the block when open, hardly perfect.
Only kidding H, your graphic manipulation skills are certainly improving :D
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quote:
Originally posted by Highlander
Thanks for the compliment Colwyn. Will this do :)
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/topicunlocked2.gif)
Ignore them all H, it`s a great idea for a book. : :): :)
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)
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Laffa's idea Crabbit not mine and I'm sure she would make a far better job of it:D
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Whoever`s idea it was, It was a monsterous idea. :D
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)
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If you were to contribute a chapter Crabbit what would the subject matter be :)
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"The art of diplomacy" ?? :)
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"How to win friends and influence people"?
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quote:
Originally posted by kevin3
"The art of diplomacy" ?? :)
I`m extremely Diplomatic you dipstick. : :)
quote:
Originally posted by Scunner
"How to win friends and influence people"?
I didn`t know I had to enter a bloody competition if I wanted a friend. :(
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)
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quote:
Originally posted by Highlander
If you were to contribute a chapter Crabbit what would the subject matter be :)
It wouldn`t matter what the subject was, it would be banned anyway. ;)
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)
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How about a work of fiction about your life in Turkey, called something like "Oh don't worry about the change, it's only 10 kurus"
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(http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q214/highlander_010/p_573643.gif)
Yes, I know. I should have quit when I was slightly ahead, but I DID try ;)
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Fantastic.I'll buy a copy.
H.I think your due for a career change.
:)
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quote:
Originally posted by kevin3
H.I think your due for a career change.
:)
Alas Kevin if only I had a career to change from:(
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H.You are staring a new career in the face.Making and selling personalised book covers!!.And i'll place the first order. :)
At the right price,of course. :D
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Ok getting back on topic for a moment. I'm half way through my first novel, sort of in the vien of Dougals Adams I suppose (Hitchhikers Guide etc). Here's the introduction... (do I get a prize for the longest post?) Constructive critisism only please, I'm easily offended. Crabbit you're barred from this thread from now on!
It is a parasite.
And to make matters worse it's an alien parasite, manufactured on a tiny, far away pimple of a planet by tiny alien scientists, who despite being no bigger than your average mouse, are a squillion times more intelligent than we are. For it's mission on Earth, all instructions, directions, navigation and guidance systems were meticulously pre-programmed into its genes and just in case anything unforeseen should happen they packed a spare pair of genes in the bottom of its suitcase. They gave it a long scientific name with twenty three letters and some numbers at the end. The nearest that the English language can get to it is Brian. Brian would rather be called a virus, he thinks it sounds more sophisticated.
He arrived on Earth almost eleven years ago in search of a host. Any male with an active sex life would do but of all the millions of males on this planet it chose Derek, in hindsight a seriously poor decision for a highly intelligent sex mad alien parasite, sorry virus, to have made.
You see, the males on planet Pimple seem to have lost the ability to, if you'll pardon my expression, produce the juice. Oh they go through all the right motions, make the right noises, clench their little fists and other bits at the right times but then, just at the highest moment of passion, nothing; zippo; zilch. Their brains disconnect from their squirty bits and so the "Let's go boys, over the top, last one in is a sissy" message doesn't get received and everything collapses in a dry and flaccid heap. The females are not at all pleased and if there was just one male on the whole planet who could manage a ‘money shot' he would be a very popular little male indeed.
Our story begins in the Accident and Emergency Unit of Derek's local hospital. It's one o'clock in the morning on Saturday the 7th of April and Derek is lying on a bed in a small but private treatment room. He arrived at the hospital in handcuffs and escorted by two policemen who are waiting outside the treatment room and trying not to look too conspicuous. He has several puncture wounds on his right leg and some cuts on his forehead and a very tired looking junior doctor is dabbing absentmindedly at his leg wounds with cotton wool. "How did you get yourself into this mess, Derek?" he asks without too much interest in the answer. Derek leans back on his elbows and before he can stop them, his eyes close and his mouth droops open. The doctor nods to the nurse and she silently opens the door to allow one of the policemen to slip through and stand behind Derek. The policeman opens up his notebook and licks the end of his pencil. If only he had known what was about to happen he could have asked for another six notebooks and three more pencils. Brian rewinds Derek's memory video to 06:59 on Tuesday the 3rd of April, presses PLAY and Derek begins to relive the events of the last four days as they get projected onto the inside of his eyelids. The doctor, the nurse, the policeman and Brian remain in the treatment room and listen to his story as it slowly unravels itself. You can join them if you wish and just so that you can tell when Brian is interrupting I'll put his words in brackets (that's very thoughtful of you). wee off Brian this is all your fault. (you've obviously got me confused with someone who cares)
Back at ‘Mission Control' the scientists are gathered around a console waiting for the precise moment to issue the instruction which will send Brian hurtling backwards through space, whether he's ready or not. One of the scientists holds a finger over a button labelled PRESS BUTTON B FOR RETURN whilst another raises an arm and starts a countdown.
FIVE
(impatient horrible persons)
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Oi - I didn't write "horrible persons" I wrote B*stards
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Oi - I didn't write wee off either it was p*ss off !
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I'm going to speak to my lawyers about this :)
Any agents on CBF then email me for the address to send the £100k to.
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I forgot to mention - the working title is "The Aliens aren't coming after all"
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8) Arev you ok Ste. ;)
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I`m not saying a word. :D:D
(http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp173/crabbit49/crab.gif)