Calis Beach and Fethiye Turkey Discussion Forum
General Topics => All things that have nothing to do with Turkey => Topic started by: snowtop on July 12, 2015, 07:34:22 AM
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Where to begin, that's the problem.
First lets look at what Grievance actually is.
In my opinion, Grievance is Self Pity.
The person’s I am grieving for are not looking down on me because they are dead, lets not gloss over the word.
They are like a switched off TV. The power has been cut off and there is nothing there except in my memory
They are the past, not the present nor the future, just a strong memory in someones mind.
We do not grieve for the person who has left us, we feel sorry for ourselves because we are going to miss them, not them miss us.
Accepting the Loss of someone.
This I think is the hardest part of all.
Every individual has their own way of dealing with it and no way is the right or wrong way.
I was in the pool yesterday and wanted a coffee, I thought to myself ‘’No Alan she isn’t here, buck up, deal with it and get out and get your own coffee).
A common thought is, ‘I wish’ ‘I wish I had taken her to (somewhere)’ or ‘I wish we had done (something)’ or ‘I wish I had bought her (something)’ or ‘I wish we hadn’t argued’ the list could go on.
The point I am trying to make is, all the things that upset us begins with either, me - I - we - us. This is Self Pity in my mind, don’t get me wrong, it is natural and expected, but how you deal with it is the important thing
Dealing with it.
I cannot tell you how to deal with it all. Everybody has to find their own way of coping with the situation.
All I can do is relay to you my thoughts and way that I deal with it. It may seem callous to you but at times it’s a case of, if I don’t get a grip of myself, I will get into depression or turn to booze or spending the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself and ending up a very lonely old man and that is not going to happen!.
Your friends will only put up with your sulking or harping on about how you are missing your lost one for a short period of time then they will drift away which is quite understandable.
Another thing is, if you are continually in the Self Sympathy mode, you end up at home all alone which will make you more depressed than you already are.
You have to try and think logical thoughts about the situation you are in and how best to deal with it.
My way is, as soon as I get that tug of the heart feeling which happens every day, I take a deep breath and say ‘Self pity again Alan? Get a grip of yourself boy’
Would Pete or Ann want to see me like this? feeling so sad for myself?. Would they be happy at seeing me in this miserable state because of their deaths?’ The answer to that is a definite NO!!
Would they prefer to see me as happy as is possible and enjoying life, the answer would be YES!!!
Some people never get over the loss and it can seriously affect a persons marriage, their own personality or future in a big way.
Stop saying to yourself, ‘He or she was my best pal’ You already know that so why keep torturing yourself by keep saying it and ending up being miserable again. There is someone close to me who is not dealing with the situation very well, hopefully I can help a little by writing this not so cheerful letter.
Some people, because of their beliefs are convinced that their beloved departed are watching over them. If that gives them comfort, excellent.
I am not in that category, that is why I say that this is my own way of dealing with a horrible situation.
If I can help just one person to cope with their loss with this letter I will be very happy.
For those of you in my situation, remember, all is not lost and the world and your life carries on so try and grit the teeth and deal with it as best as you can.
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Then be very happy :)
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Thanks steve you have made my day.
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Snowtop I do feel for you I have recently lost two family members that were very close to me .Reading your post somehow put it into prospective, yes I got a little choked up reading it but what you said sums up some of my feelings. Rightly said that we all deal with our grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong.
Your loss is still very recent and maybe your friends are more tolerable than you think and I am sure they will support you for as long as you need them to do so its what friends do. I have a friend who lost her partner five years ago and she is still finding it hard to cope and I like to think I can still be there for her when she wants a shoulder to cry on like wise for me.
Unfortunately losing loved ones is a part of life and being able to express our thoughts and feelings is all part of the healing process
Take care Snowtop
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Wow Snowtop!. What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing and much respect to you for allowing us to understand something so personal to you. Keep strong.
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Unfortunately there are so many in that area in the same position as you Alan... It is a British "thing" to avoid the subject of death and many will avoid you through embarrassment... From my experience of friends who have lost their partner, your feelings are all very natural...you have suffered two very tragic losses in a short period of time.. No one can predict how they will react... Slowly, slowly... Seems the way forward. Only someone in your position would understand... I admire you for sharing your thoughts in this forum... I have no doubts that if you want to carry on sharing them as an outlet then no one will object. It may help others in the future. Anne x
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Snowtop this is such a unique post for CBF. I can't think about even the idea of having to contemplate the things you are now finding yourself analysing. It is a truly remarkable piece of work and even more remarkable that you found the strength and desire to share it.
Just...thank you.
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Alan reading this it is palpable to feel your raw pain. There is not much anyone can say at the moment to make you feel better. Just know you have friends on this Forum who will read and understand. Please don.t hesitate to come back and share your feelngs with us anytime.
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Thank you all for your replies, however I am not saying I feel lonely because I am not. I have quite a few friends I can talk to whenever I want.
I have 2 particular friends who are making sure I have plenty to do and we carry on as if Ann were here. No, sympathy, (although gratefully received) was not my intention of this post. It was meant to try and help someone else, (if needed) through their loss
It was a letter I composed for a member of my family but I thought it may help if I shared my thoughts with people who may benefit from it.
At some stage in life we are all going to go through this experience and there are a huge amount of people who have been through it or are there now.
Maybe I should have given my reason for posting at the beginning of my original post.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you all, it has also helped me a little.
For all you out there in the a similar position as me, do not let it control you. You must try and control it.
Grit your teeth and good luck to you all.
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Very inspiring and very thoughtful of you to share your thoughts on your experience, snowtop.
Thank you very much.
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I have been widowed twice. My first husband died after having cancer for 17 years. After many bouts of radiotherapy, chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, and a stem cell transplant, he contracted MRSA while his blood count was so low his body couldn't cope with it and it killed him. A couple of years later and I started to see through the darkness and I started going out with a mutual friend of mine and my late husband, we got married and had a wonderful 3 years together until one morning he gave a deep sight and died of a massive heart attack. To say I hit rock bottom would be an understatement. I fell into a deep dark pit of despair and misery, and at the age of 49 I thought my life was over. Were it not for the fact that my son needed me I think I would have given up completely, but I didn't I got through it with a lot of help and some very good advice and help, not to mention the Prozac, I survived. I feel that what I have gathered from my experience is that as a couple, always keep a part of your life for your friends and family, don't wrap yourself up completely in one person because at the end of the day we are on our own. Someone has to go first.
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Snowtop, what an amazing post. Thank you.
The "I wish..." part resonated with me particularly.
I believe in embracing every opportunity and experience with Mr WB because, as I have always told him, when the time comes that just one of us is left, I want the one who remains to be saying "I'm glad we did...." and not "I wish we had....."
I wish you strength. x
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This thread has been an amazing read and thanks to everyone for their comments. I found it helpful in lots of ways as I too recently lost my sister who was only 11 months older than me and I have been finding it very difficult to deal with in private . On the surface I am "normal" but inside there is so much sadness .We all cope in whatever way we can . Thank you Alan for sharing your thoughts .
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Seems a lot of us are dealing with our grief in very different ways. No one can dictate how we get on with it ( nearly put "over it ) and no one can visualise how we will deal with it. Just comforting to know that when we go about our every day lives there are others feeling exactly as we do.
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Deleated
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Don't know if you are aware sadler but you can "edit" your post by clicking on modify.
Apologies if you already knew that :)
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I have handled the loss of some close ones far better than others and done some crazy things at low points
but there are no rule books or manuals to tell you how it's done, and each person and loss is different.
The fact that the subject is generally taboo doesn't help but I admire snowtop's and others posts.
A lifetimes memories with a close one cannot and will not end overnight, nor should they.
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Snowtop
It is of course impossible for me to find the “right” words in response to your post.
Because the loss of a loved one continues to be such an emotional part of my life, I can only put down my thoughts in “shorthand”. The tears flowing as I write won’t allow it any other way.
The sadness and emptiness is always there but I do take great comfort from
…a single thought from a very dear friend, conveyed shortly after Rachel’s death, which comes to mind every time (and there are many) when I get deeply depressed about our loss.
….family and friends, and again there are many, who loved our daughter almost as much as we did, who remember her fondly whenever we meet and who we know miss her as much as we do. I believe that to be a testament to her all too short life.
….how can I possibly feel sorry for myself when Rachel dealt with her illness with such for fortitude and grace.
….for me, so far, the phrase “time is a great healer” is a misnomer.
…..but if there is one over-riding thing that keeps me going it is the certain knowlewdge that Rachel will (and mean “will” as opposed to would) not allow me not to.
snowtop, may I offer you my very best wishes for the future.
In Rachel’s memory.
H
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Very nice sentiment Alan,was nice to meet you in June on the boat and Iam glad you are holiding up well.Probably see you in September
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I have been very moved by, first of all, snowtop's post and others who have posted about their personal experiences. Agree, everyone deals with these things differently, there is no right or wrong way.
I lost my dear dad on Christmas Eve last year. He'd been ill for most of the year and certainly hadn't been expected to live so long but wanted to prove everyone wrong! Now, this wasn't a tragic death or a case of going young. He was 89 and having worked hard during his working life enjoyed a long and happy retirement and for that we are eternally thankful. However, he did leave mum who was 90 at the time and they would have been married 69 years in March this year. This of course has left her completely lost with all their friends and a lot of their families already gone too.
The poem I've printed below was read out at his funeral and I sometimes find a quiet few minutes to myself and read it and remember all the daft things he did to make us laugh and the many times he showed how much he cared by doing little things for us and so many other things that dads do
FEEL NO GUILT IN LAUGHTER
HE’D KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE
FEEL NO SORROW IN A SMILE
THAT HE IS NOT HERE TO SHARE.
YOU CANNOT GRIEVE FOREVER,
HE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO,
HE’D HOPE THAT YOU COULD CARRY ON
THE WAY YOU ALWAYS DO.
SO, TALK ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES
AND THE WAY YOU SHOWED YOU CARED,
THE DAYS YOU SPENT TOGETHER
ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU SHARED
LET MEMORIES SURROUND YOU,
A WORD SOMEONE MAY SAY
WILL SUDDENLY RECAPTURE
A TIME, AN HOUR, A DAY
THAT BRINGS HIM BACK AS CLEARLY
AS THOUGH HE WERE STILL HERE
AND FILLS YOU WITH THE FEELING
THAT HE IS ALWAYS NEAR.
FOR, IF YOU KEEP THOSE MOMENTS,
YOU WILL NEVER BE APART
AND HE WILL LIVE FOREVER
LOCKED SAFE WITHIN YOUR HEARTS.
Heartfelt best wishes to snowtop for starting this thread and others who are coping with their personal grief now.
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We look at each other and just see the part of ourselves that we wish them to see.
We do not see the grief and torment that they have had to face and being British we keep it within the family and close friends.
We all approach the subject of death as if it is taboo, although we all know that it is going to happen to everyone of us at some stage.
When we get older, we see things in a different perspective and when someone 'opens up' other people follow them and then we realise that we are all the same in this situation.
This post I think/hope has encouraged some people to talk about their loss which would otherwise have been kept inside them and being the kind of community we are (forum) I think it will help us all to understand each other a little bit more.
Emotion is a peculiar and personal thing, I would suspect that this section of the forum has made us all understand that we all have had to or will have to cope with grief at some stage.
I think quite a few of us feel quite better by being able to express ourselves in our own way, after sitting down and posting our thoughts and letting our feelings be known.
Some people will not agree and think this is a very personal matter, and quite rightly so. If you need to keep your thoughts or feelings to yourself, that is quite understandable and acceptable. If however you wish to share them as I did you may feel some satisfaction in the knowledge and understanding that you are not the only one in this situation and there are people who will willingly help you through these troubled times.
My condolences and sympathy goes to all of you who are having to cope with a bereavement. Be brave, be strong, cry if need be, I do but remember life goes on and you are still part of it and you still have to live it and hopefully you will not be on your own.