Saturday in Town
when you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women
waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally
gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every
cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won¹t lock. It doesn¹t matter, the wait
has been so long and you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser
for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty. You would hang your
bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn¹t  so you
carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants
And assume "the position".
In this position your
ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn¹t taken time to
wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, you hold "the position".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for
the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare it¹s empty, the
toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope
there's a new roll behind you -Â no such luck. Your thighs start to
shake more.
Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday  the one that¹s still in your handbag, which is now
burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm
into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep
dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no
bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your
door cubicle door and because the latch doesn't
work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding
your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used
tissue.
The door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and
topple backwards. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the
door shut and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only
just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown'
puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether or just give up
and... Sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ &
life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a
fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely
covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various
life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped
to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in
too.
At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a
piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.
You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands
underneath it grateful for the two drops of
water there and around the
basin itself.
You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand
blower, which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an
unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you
have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that
when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in
the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need
this".
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
your handbag hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women
everywhere who deal with public loos.
It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so
long
and it also answers that commonly asked question "Âwhy do women always
go to the loos in pairs"?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you
tissue under the door!
